Up Coming Events
JUST A LITTLE GOOD CLEAN HUMOR..
A hooded robber burst into a Texas Bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation. He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence. The Robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?" There are a few moments of utter silence, in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then one old man tentatively raised his hand and said, "My wife got a good look at you.
Jim left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying and playing golf with the boys and spending his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, the old geezer was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?” He replied, “That would be fine with me.” Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
(Women In Charge Of Everything)
Is proud to announce the opening of its
EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!
OPEN TO MEN ONLY
ALL ARE WELCOME
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants
The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:
HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation
TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practising with hamper (Pictures and graphics)
DISHES & SILVERWARE;
DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK
OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.
Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups
LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place
Instead of turning the house upside down while screaming -
EMPTY MILK CARTONS;
DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play
BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did
IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY
AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
LIVING WITH ADULTS;
BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN
YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing
HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques
REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES
& CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class
GETTING OVER IT;
LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available
Recently, during a routine patrol, an RCMP patrolman parked down the street outside a Legion Hall just off the main drag in Gander NF, CANADA.
After last call, the officer observed a man leaving the Legion Hall. The gentleman was so intoxicated that he could barely walk. He then stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into.
He sat there for a few minutes and then t hrew a hook and line out the window and seemed to be trying to catch a fish.. A number of other patrons paid no attention to this crazy drunk as they left the bar and drove off.
Finally the drunk started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn, and switched on the headlights.
He then pulled in the hook and line and moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained st ill for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron's vehicles left. At last, the parking lot was empty; he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.
The officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over. He performed a breathalyzer test on the gentleman who cooperated fully, and to his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to Headquarters.
This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the truly proud Newfie,
"Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
PARAPROSDOKIANS... (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of
emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
26. Where there's a will, there are relatives.
And mine is.........
I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
MAP OF CANADA
Grade one Insight
A 1stgrade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class.
She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!
I got a new stick deodorant today. The instructions said, "Remove cap and push up bottom". I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.
How to tell the Gender of a Fly
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter
'What are you doing?' !
'Oh. ! Killing any?'
'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.
Intrigued, she asked.
'How can you tell them apart?'
3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
Nag Nag Nag
Not offensive I don't think, just kinda cute.
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?
Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all.
Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed,
'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned...couldn't concentrate.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it...mainly because it was a so-so job.
Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
After that I worked in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I quit because it was always the same old grind.
SO I RETIRED AND FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
If we don't care that Jimmy cracked corn, why do we still sing about it?
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought
prostate cancer and diabetes I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter
than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy,
winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
BEST ACTUAL HEADLINES OF THE YEAR
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter [imagine that!]
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says [no, really?]
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers [now that's taking things a bit far!]
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? [not if I wipe thoroughly!]
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over [what a guy!]
Miners Refuse to Work after Death [no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!]
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant [see if that works any better than a fair trial!]
War Dims Hope for Peace [I can see where it might have that effect!]
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile [you think?!]
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures [who would have thought!]
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide [they may be on to something!]
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors [Boy, are they tall!]
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges [you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge [he probably IS the battery charge!]
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group [weren't they fat enough?!]
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft [That what he gets for eating those beans!]
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks [Taste like chicken!]
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy [That was really giving of himself!]
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead